Co-evolution, Worms, Poop, and Computer Stuff

There's this story about John D. Rockefeller trying to tap into the U.S.'s southern labor force, which was notorious for being slow and unproductive in some parts. Prevailing wisdom was that southerners are lazy.

Rockefeller didn't buy it, so he launched a study and found that southerners were getting hookworm infections because they often went barefoot (as sensible people do) but lacked modern urban conveniences and, therefore, shat on the ground. Hence hookworms, hence anemia, hence the lack of energy.

So Rockefeller created a workforce, made a boatload of cash, and obliterated a couple of diseases by selling outhouses and educating customers to dig the waste holes six feet deep.

But he may have done something far more profound even than all of that. His outhouses may have disrupted a process of co-evolution before it could finish.

You see, people with hookworm infections don't have a problem with allergies or asthma. Those are first-world diseases caused by an overreaction of the immune system, and these particular parasites dump a bunch of wormian immuno-quaaludes (pardon the medical Latin) on the situation. It's like they put on some Barry White and give your immune system a good toe-suckin'.

The anemia is the cost, if you don't keep your iron levels up, but we and these worms were well on our way to co-evolving into a nice little arrangement: we give the worms room and board, they help us breathe easier. But then Rockefeller started selling shitters, and now I can't have a cat.

I think about this sometimes when I look at my phone.

Just over half an hour ago, my phone told me to make a smoothie for tomorrow's breakfast. Which I did.

Before that, it reminded me that I needed to make bread. Which I did.

Before that, it asked me if I wanted to clean the attic or the garage. Which I didn't.

Before that, it told me to take my thinkum pill. Which, duh.

I have a recently-deceased bracelet that told me when to wake up and when I'd been sitting too much. I've got OmniFocus for a memory, Due and Google Calendar for my own Mrs. Landingham. I take prescribed amphetamines for focus and drive.

I am building a Palace of Awesome out of all of these things, brick by brick. They improve my life in ways even I don't fully comprehend. Still, my dependence on something so fragile, with so many points of failure, is...well.

I'm not going to get all Ray Kurzweil/Robert Scoble boner slash on you, nor am I going to throw my shoes into a loom. I'm hesitant to write about this at all, as smarter people than I have covered it, but it's true and it's life now: we are in the midst of a kind of co-evolution that no species has never seen before. I have no idea what to make of it, other than its inevitability.

It's not all bad news, or else it wouldn't be symbiosis. My reliance upon data and ubiquitous computing allows me to worry less about remembering the nuts-and-bolts minutiae of my life. My children go to school fully outfitted every morning, I never forget to take a pill or clean out the coffee maker, and my mind is freed up to think about the things I want to think about. It's all good. It just feels tenuous, breakable. Also, I spend less time looking at three-dimensional surfaces.

Banana plants can't reproduce any more. They must be cloned by human farmers. They die off without us, and will eventually die off anyway when their predators evolve past them. I think about that too.

And then there's the noise. Canceling my cable subscription years ago heightened my sensitivity to TV's braying and gibbering, and likewise the Ritalin has made me more sensitive to the sheer volume of sites and services yammering for my attention online. All these man-made parasites are fighting it out just like the worms, only for mindshare instead of gutshare. It's almost as if they have their own intention and agency, and of course they do: money. Money is a hive mind.

From my medicated remove, it becomes clear that there are few places in technology for reflection. Even reading and writing have gotten louder. Writing on paper is like being in a cabin with no electricity: you can sense the stillness in the walls. You write with letters, not characters. Unadorned, flat, irregular letters.

I'm writing this in the quietest computing environment I can muster, a fullscreen iPad editor with the brightness turned down and a dark color theme and notifications turned off. I can still hear the wires hum.

Much as I love them, I think I'm becoming mildly allergic to computers. Only just mildly.

And that, dear readers, is why the long lag since the last post. When I get home, half the time the last thing I want to do is focus really hard on an editing window. I do it all day now, with objects and methods instead of nouns and verbs, properties for adjectives and scope for setting. Writing is contemplative, but writing on a computer isn't contemplative enough, not with the humming. Cutting glass, by contrast, is dead quiet and data-free.

Plus there's this. Ouch.

Write on paper, you say, and maybe I will, but my need to be heard is at least as strong as that of any blogger or tooter, and there ain't no way to publish online without the hum.

Some pointing arrows have cropped up since I started writing this. There's this great piece from James A. Pearson that invokes the idea of hum-as-parasite, and Zach Weiner artfully nails the evolution angle in a single panel.

And then there's Paul Miller's deservedly-linked-everywhere piece about spending a year offline, which I find encouraging. I can live without the 24-hour news cycle, and I go hours at a stretch without Twitter or App.Net these days, much to my own surprise. But my heart can't bear the thought of breaking all the connections I've forged with my friends around the world. My ego won't let go of the idea that I have something to say and so won't let me abandon a place to be heard. So yes, I'll embrace the idea of the Internet as "something we do with each other".

I'm hopeful that the problem of noise will work itself out. Just as the corporate internet has given rise to small, low-tech entrepreneurs, maybe we'll see the hum give rise to quiet tech too. Dedicated e-ink writers would be a nice start.

Or maybe it's just that we need to hold up our end of the co-evolution bargain and finally recognize the necessity of learning how to filter and limit inputs as a life skill. But that will be unprecedented too: Our adaptation and evolution will have to be intentional, planned.

But the interdependence of it all? The fact that it all feels like a giant game of Jenga played with lives instead of blocks? I hope it's just the usual existential dread or my natural tendency to wait for the other shoe to drop. Because if I'm honest with myself, my mind's more fragile than the Internet. My body has no failover system and a hell of a lot less than 99.9% uptime.

Besides, adapting is what we do. We didn't become a dominant and destructive species by being strong or fast or armored. We got here through sheer brains and endurance. The only species that come close have too many legs and live mostly in the dark.

Cost/Benefit Analysis 101

About a month back, I stopped taking my attention pills out of concern that they were staking what optimism I had to an anthill and breaking out the sorghum. I was in what you might call a bad way. So I talked to a doctor friend, put the pills down, and set an appointment to talk to my psychiatrist about it. I went nine days without taking my thinkum.

Now lacking its lubricant, my brain settled right back into the fog of the previous 35 years. Meetings turned into high school jazz band concerts. Things I love started to bore me again. And hey, what's on TV?

But here's the problem: I immediately got happier. The fog was a struggle, but man did my general dissatisfaction evaporate.

The psychiatrist cautioned that likely the pills didn't create that unhappiness, but dug it up. And he was right; starting a new medication brought much of it back. Blowing back the fog uncovered some stuff I hadn't wanted to see.

So this has me thinking about costs, which is to say that I'm thinking about scarcity. Finding drive and ambition at mid-life presented itself as a choose-your-own-adventure version of Flowers for Algernon: If you want to slip back into the fog of contentment, turn to page 39 and let's look at some pretty mice. If you want to be prodded by a nebulous cocktail of passion and terror that disrupts every corner of your world but so far exists beyond your capacity to understand or channel it, turn to page 67 and let's punch us some goddamn Martians.

Yes, there's Martian punching in Flowers for Algernon. Having fun ain't hard if you have a library card.

Even so, the fog still beckons. The epicurean ideal of retreating to the garden to reflect and create has its allure. I imagine sitting at a desk writing for my dinner or plunked down at a workbench making something with my hands, and yeah, I'm not a little bit in love with the romantic ideal there, if not the reality I know that would come with it. But: quiet, contemplation, refuge. Manna.

Thing is, I also know that I'm not necessarily here to be happy. The point of being is to get to work, to make things better, or else who gives a damn. Change is made by people who grab a used snorkel and wade into the sewer. It comes from those who cut themselves and bleed into boring, thankless, necessary work. They don't allow themselves the luxury of retreat, if it's even available to them. They know that if you're not helping, you're in the way.

So I guess I'm asking; Do we have to choose between being happy and using our lives to the extent that we should? Do we even have a say in the matter? How much satisfaction can a man claim for himself and still sleep the sleep of the just?

Maybe it wasn't a revelation. Maybe this is just the by-product of what happens when you give my brain a stimulant. Maybe I'm in the throes of a mid-life crisis. Maybe I'm just bored.

I have not a clue, but no way I'm going back. I begged to be made to burn and it happened and it turns out that that hurts a lot. There's zero that's romantic about it, I don't give a tinker's damn what the poets told you. Like love, burning is hard, especially when you're a middle-aged man with no idea where or how he's supposed to combust. It demands payment.

This business of dissatisfaction is a slog, and I'll be honest, sometimes it borders on despair. But I'm finally beginning to feel like I'm in the world. And I don't have a clue what I can do with that, but it's going to be something.

Also, I got a new job.

Something Something Meth Joke

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a worker in possession of a cubicle must be in want of some goddamn focus.

Work begets noise, which in turn begets distraction, if you are paid to think. The only noise that isn't distracting is the noise generated by your own work, but of course that afflicts everyone who is not you. And so, the ultimate productivity tool: the office door.

Since I am bereft of office, it's a rare day that I'm not leaning on the next best things: the Ambiance app and ambient music like the wonderful MusicForProgramming() and (oh, the joy of nerd-ass nostalgia) the Myst soundtracks.

I think a lot about noise, because I've only recently become attuned to its effect on me, even though I've been bitching about cube life for years. As often happens with those of us who enjoy having supple hands and whining about George Lucas, for me it began with a podcast.

My head used to be a hive of bees. Angry bees. Angry, armed, socially-marginalized bees who have been sprayed with methamphetamine. Breaking Bees.

Focusing on a task was sometimes like trying to walk chest-deep across a wave pool. Hence the sensitivity to noise and chaos, which only amplified that sensation.

Listening to conversations was often like catching bullets. Parties? Hour tops and the chaos is too much, I want to go home. The racket in my brain could only be quieted down by throwing books or movies or TV or video games or booze at it. Media were a sort of anaesthetic.

Coffee. Loooooooooots of coffee.

My vanity told me that this mental caterwaul and media gluttony were the symptoms of an uncommonly strong and absorbent mind. In retrospect, I see how arrogant and fucking absurd that was. Having an epileptic seizure on top of a drum kit does not make you Neal Peart.

But it was the way it was. I didn't have a baseline for normal. I didn't draw the connections because I couldn't see them from a distance. I saw myself as a man completely lacking in will. And then, last year, I listened to that podcast, Merlin Mann and Dan Benjamin's Back to Work on the excellent 5by5 Network. The episode I linked there is the one that literally changed my life.

In it, Merlin describes his experience of being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. He describes his symptoms in pretty good detail. And as I listened, I found myself nodding along, thinking that's me, yep, that's me too holy crap MOST OF THIS IS ME.

I spent two days trying to convince myself that it was bullshit, that this is an overdiagnosed "disease", that my failings were those of morality and will, so I didn't talk to anyone about it. Then I had a couple of days at work when I got so mentally overloaded that I had to go into a restroom stall, close the door and breathe deeply. I do not enjoy breathing deeply in public restroom stalls.

So I brought it up with my wife and began the arduous process of making an appointment with a psychiatrist. Roughly two months later, I was finally sitting down with one. (Side note: behold, the greatest healthcare system in the world.)

He asked me questions, I answered them. I may have seen knowing smiles. I suspected there would be a concern that I was a drug seeker. I was extremely uncomfortable, and talking about why I was there made me feel agitated and frankly a little desperate.

Turns out there was no need for the worry. The doctor told me that there were very expensive tests they could run that my insurance likely wouldn't cover, but we could try medications instead and see how I respond to them. Even better news: there are non-narcotic medications that we could try first. Lo and behold, they worked, so I stuck with them.

I had my doubts, of course, as to whether it was all in my head (ignoring the obvious point that mental disorders are indeed in your head), but taking a week off of my medication several months ago mostly put them to rest. The final coffin nail came just a few weeks ago, when I went for a checkup with a new primary care doctor. He noted the ADHD diagnosis in my record and asked me about it, then said: "You know, a lot of people don't get diagnosed until after high school. They're good students who go to college and flunk out."

I graduated high school near the top of my class. It took me eight years to finish my first bachelor's degree. Gaming the system was the only way I didn't flunk out.

The pills aren't a silver bullet, of course. I still get a little overloaded in chaotic situations, which makes parenting interesting. I still have low-focus moments and, occasionally, days. I would prefer a life without daily medication, when I am otherwise in nearly perfect health.

But now the roar has died down to tolerable levels. I often find that I'd rather not dick around but instead find a quiet place and do something productive, which is new. Sometimes it's so quiet in my head that I just sit and listen to it. Every now and then, when I do that, I feel so god damned grateful that my eyes well up.

These periods of quiet and drive have been going on for less than a year, so they're still very much a novelty, and I feel like they're still gaining strength. And there's still so far to go. But so much in me has changed. I feel like I found a part of myself I hadn't known was missing.

Of course I hadn't known. I was too busy berating myself for being weak and lazy. I don't do that as much anymore. Now I am grateful not to know what a life of more of the same would be like. Now I know what it can be.

Thanks, Merlin and Dan. I owe you guys big. I love you.